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Rainforest Man Story by Steve Gallagher (dagalagas@yahoo.com)
Images by Registered (Registered@aol.com) 
INT. - OVAL OFFICE - DAY President Clinton sits at his desk in the oval office. Opposite him, sits Vernon Jordan. Both men appear agitated and desperate. JORDAN: If we want to have any hope of keeping the incriminating evidence covered up, it is absolutely imperative that Al Gore win this election. All of our hides are on the line here. CLINTON: Gee Vern, then why the hell did we allow him to become the nominee? Couldn't we have found somebody who is at least a little more appealing to the electorate. I mean, I've hardly ever talked to the guy, but isn't he a little... you know... "slow"? JORDAN: Slow as prison time. But if we want to carry on our mission after your term, we need somebody who won't ask questions, won't disagree with our orders. Gore is that man. Plus, we can just put statements into his head, and he'll repeat them like a cassette recorder. His mind's a blank tape. CLINTON: I think he may be a retard! JORDAN: Duh! But, if you had objections, you should have raised them months ago. Now, we're stuck with him... unless you think we should kill him and pick somebody else. CLINTON: I guess that's always an option, but it might look suspicious. We'll see how he does for a few more weeks, at least. But I'm seriously worried that he won't be able to cut it. The media can only do so much for us... I mean, how many people even watch our boy Rather anymore? Does this Gore fellow understand what he's in for?" JORDAN: Somewhat. He's out in the waiting area right now with your secretary. Let's bring him in... (he leans over and pushes the intercom) Betty, please send the vice-president in now. CURRIE: (over intercom) With pleasure! Mr. Gore, please put those down! Put them down! They want you in the other room! Those are mine! Leave them where they are and go into the oval office! GORE: (over intercom) Eighty-two, fifty-four, eleventy-seven... two hundred and forty six paperclips... two hundred and forty six. CURRIE: (over intercom) Actually, Mr. Gore. There's only five paperclips there. Just five. GORE: (over intercom) Two hundred and forty six... Two hundred and forty six paperclips... The door swings open and Betty Currie is seen pulling vice-president Gore into the oval office. Gore glances around aimlessly, as he shuffles along, muttering to himself. Dressed in loose-fitting, "business casual" earthtones, he is holding a few paperclips and continues to count them as Currie pushes him into a chair and runs out quickly. GORE: One... twelvety-six... orange... eight... Two hundred and forty six paperclips! (shows his five paperclips to Jordan) JORDAN: Hello Albert. You remember President Clinton, don't you? You've met a couple of times. GORE: William Jefferson Clinton. 81st President of the United States. Former Senator from Texas. War hero. William Jefferson Clinton. Greatest President ever. William Jeff.. Jeff... Jefferson Clinton. Impeachment was a sham... partisan sham... totally bogus... CLINTON: That's right Albert! A bogus sham! You remember that! You're pretty bright! Nice to see you again. How's things going? GORE: Fourteen minutes till Geraldo... I have to watch Geraldo... fourteen minutes... fourteen minutes till Geraldo. JORDAN: Actually Albert, Geraldo won't be on for about six more hours, so we have some time to talk about your campaign. GORE: Campaign's going great... alpha male... Al is for alpha... storming into office... thirteen minutes to Geraldo. CLINTON: I always wondered who the hell watched that show... (a sudden thought and a chuckle) Hey Albert! Geraldo's on now! He's on now! You're missing it! GORE: (jumping up and screaming) GERALDO'S ON NOW!! CAN'T MISS GERALDO!! GERALDO'S ON NOW! JORDAN: Cut the crap Bill! That's NOT funny! GORE: GOTTA WATCH GERALDO! GERALDO'S ON NOW!! NEED A TELEVISION!! JORDAN: Albert! Albert! Calm down! Geraldo won't be on for a few more hours! The president just thinks he's funny. Calm down! That's it... sit back down... good boy, Albert. No Geraldo on now. I'll let you know when Geraldo's on. (turning to Clinton) I oughta have you killed, dickhead. CLINTON: Ooooooh Big Man! Lighten up Vern, I was just goofing on him. JORDAN: Well we don't have time for goofing around. We need to get Albert here in shape or we're all in big trouble. He'll repeat anything we put into his head, so we have to fill it with our message. CLINTON: What good is that gonna do? GORE: Alan Dershowitz! Do tell us again why Ken Starr is out of control!.... Well, Geraldo... JORDAN: Shut up Albert! (to Clinton) It'll get him through a debate, and a couple of scattered press conferences. By only very rarely giving press conferences, and never really answering any questions, you've already laid the groundwork for our strategy... the press doesn't even expect answers anymore... they don't care... CLINTON: Wouldn't it be easier to just rig the election? JORDAN: We'll do as much as we can, but we don't have the infrastructure in place for the sort of massive voter fraud we'd need... outside of Lousianna, Southern California and Chicago, of course... CLINTON: You know Vern, it's my legacy that's on the line here. Maybe I should take Albert on a little whistle-stop tour... maybe some of my old campaign magic will rub off on him. JORDAN: Not a chance, Bill. I hate to tell you, but you haven't been winning any friends lately. You've really worn out your welcome. We'd just as soon let little Albert distance himself from you... CURRIE: (over intercom) Mr. Jordan, Mr. Rothschild is on line three. He says it's an emergency, something about the global domination plan... JORDAN: Sorry Bill, I need to take this one is private. Hush-hush (wiggles his fingers) classified sort of stuff. I'll be back in a few... Jordan leaves the room. An awkward silence ensues. Clinton rocks a little, whistles quietly. Gore counts and recounts his paperclips. Clinton reties his shoe. Gore wipes some drool from his chin. Clinton adjusts his tie, clears his throat. Gore sucks his teeth. CLINTON: So Albert... you're from down south, aren't you? GORE: Ken Starr... sex-obsessed... tobacco money... CLINTON: Sex-obsessed! I'll say. You're from the south, right Albert? GORE: From Tennesee... Gore family from Tennessee... grew up poor... dirt farmers... Tennessee... plowed the field with horses... Tennessee. CLINTON: Tennessee, huh? Nice state. Sorta backwater though... but who am I to talk? GORE: You're Bill Clinton... greatest president ever... better than Washington... better than Philadelphia... CLINTON: Better than President Philadelphia huh? Good for me... Hey Albert, you want to go out and campaign with me? How about it? You and me, all alone, hitting the road, winning votes. Whadda ya say? You want get out of here? GORE: Risky scheme... campaigning with Clinton... risky scheme... CLINTON: Yeah risky scheme. Whatever. Listen to me Albert, I got some bucks... I got my old El Camino hidden in a garage a few blocks away. Let's get the hell out of here! We don't need these humps to tell us what to do! (grabs Gore's hand) We'll go out and campaign on our own. I'll get you elected! I'm a political genius! (They stand. Clinton leads Gore towards the Oval Office service door.) Stick with me kid! I'm gonna get you elected! You wanna win this thing, Albert? Whadda ya say - "President Gore"?! GORE: Four minutes till Geraldo... Geraldo wants to give Bill Clinton a big hug... CLINTON: Yeah, I heard that too! Weird guy... They walk out through the oval office's small side exit and are gone. After a few moments, the main door opens up again, and Vernon Jordan returns looking down into his appointment book. JORDAN: Bill I need a couple of those Russian suitcase nukes sent to Yemen... do yourself a favor and don't ask questions... (he looks up from his appointment book) Bill! Albert! (he sees the open service door) That son-of-a -bitch! Garbage blows gently by the grafitti-covered garage door. Slowly it begins rising. The camera moves towards the door, as the thumping bass sound of "Low Rider" by War begins rising on the soundtrack. It is coming from the car stereo of Bill Clinton's vintage 1964 purple El Camino. When the door has risen just enough, the car pulls out with Clinton at the wheel and Al Gore sitting expressionless in the passenger seat. With the tires squealing, it roars off, runs a red light, and disappears into the distance.
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INT. - THE EL CAMINO, DRIVING THROUGH SUBURBS OF VIRGINIA - DAY CLINTON: Hey Albert, is this great or what? It's so nice to be away from DC. Got all my eight-tracks from the seventies... Let's pick up a couple of brewskis for the ride... I hardly know how to drive this thing without a frosty 'tween my legs... Where do you want to campaign first? Somewhere sympathetic for starters... we'll find some college kids or ex-cons or something... GORE: I'm an excellent campaigner... excellent campaigner... CLINTON: Are you now? That's great. Look there's a kid's soccer game! Let's go by and talk to the moms...
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INT. - THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL RESIDENCE - DAY TIPPER: What do you mean kidnapped?! Was it the Iranians? The Republicans? Who would kidnap my husband? JORDAN: Actually Tipper, he was kidnapped by the president! TIPPER: The president! Oh my God, poor Albert! He's not up to Clinton's sort of... you know... lifestyle. Albert's never even had oral sex... none to speak of at least... Oh Albert! Poor poor Albert... You have to get him back, Mr. Jordan... JORDAN: We're doing everything we can... TIPPER: Have you checked out Hef's mansion? JORDAN: It's under surveillence. We'll find them Mrs. Gore. I promise, we'll find them... TIPPER: I hope this incident doesn't make me go psycho again... I cannot afford to go psycho during an election... after the election - fine... but not during.... I don't want to go psycho again, Mr. Jordan... JORDAN: We can send a doctor over and maybe get you a prescription to help you through this difficult time... TIPPER: Don't have to smack you with a two-by-four to drop a hint, do I? What's good these days? A group of twenty or thirty giggling young mothers swoon and gaze misty-eyed as Bill Clinton stands on a bleacher and speaks down to them. CLINTON: I know women like yourselves don't have it easy. You do your best to make ends meet, and you just want the government to help you out a little. Help you through those times when the money's a little short or when your kids are rattling your nerves... (just a little, God bless 'em). FIRST SOCCER MOM: Some of us are a little lonely and horny too. We like to fantasize that some violent and powerful man will sweep unexpectedly into our life and, though he might treat us roughly, he would fulfill our submissive fantasies and bring a little spark of danger to the dreary, mundane hell we've fallen into. CLINTON: (aside) See me after Al's speech. (to the crowd) How would y'all like some FREE HEALTH CARE? (they cheer!) FREE COLLEGE TUITION for the children? (more cheers!) FREE PRESCRIPTION MEDICINE? (wahoo!) FREE DENTAL, LIFE INSURANCE, HOUSING, GASOLINE, DAYCARE, FOOD, CLOTHING, MOVIES, AND SHOES? (sheer mayhem!! some are crying in joy) Well let me present to you the man who's going to do his level best to get all those things to you, while reducing the debt and giving you all a juicy tax cut, my right hand man, The Tennessee Titan, the next PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!! BIG AL GORE!! Clinton waves his hand to his side, expecting to see Gore standing next to him, but he is gone. Clinton looks around frantically, and finally spots Albert. He has wandered away from the bleachers and into the nearby trees. He is embracing an elm and talking to himself. Clinton jumps down, runs over, pries the vice president away from the tree and drags him back to the crowd of women, who are still cheering. CLINTON: Here he is! Albert Gore! The crowd quiets down to listen to the inspiring words they expect to be forthcoming. Al reaches into his pocket, pulls out his paperclips and shows them to the crowd. GORE: Two hundred and forty six... Two hundred and forty six paperclips.... SECOND SOCCER MOM: Looks like five... CLINTON: Focus Al! Tell them about your healthcare plans. GORE: Healthcare for everybody... everybody gets healthcare... nobody pays for it... totally free... free healthcare... CLINTON: That's great! Isn't it ladies?! A half-hearted cheer rises from the women, while a few wander back towards the kid's soccergame. CLINTON: What about daycare, Mr. Future President? GORE: Free healthcare... free daycare... totally free... everything's free... daycare's free... I'm not wearing my underwear... CLINTON: Stick to the issues, Albert! Tell us about the free stuff! GORE: I don't have my underwear on... my underwear are briefs... have my name on them... they say Albert... I'm not wearing my briefs... I have your boxers on... get my briefs at K-Mart... Rosie speaks for K-Mart. CLINTON: Shut up about the underwear, Al! Tell these dingbats some more about the free stuff! GORE: Rosie speaks for K-Mart... your boxers are too loose... get my briefs at K-Mart... they say Albert on the waistband... CLINTON: Don't make a scene Albert! Stop acting like a friggin' retard! THIRD SOCCER MOM: This guy's an idiot! I'm voting for that Bush guy! He's cute! FOURTH SOCCER MOM: I'll say! This guy's weird. What's with the underwear? CLINTON: (grabbing Gore by the neck) Let's go! We've got work to do. The shot switches quickly to the El Camino as it roars out of the park. Clinton is alone in the front of the car, while Al Gore hangs on desperately in the exposed, astroturf-covered, flatbed. "Bat Out of Hell" by Meatloaf is blaring from the car stereo as it winds quickly through the backroads of Virginia. Al looks terrified as he clings to the side of the El Camino. After a few versus of the song, we see Clinton shudder briefly. Then he slams on the brakes and pulls over to the side of the road. He reaches over to the passenger side and opens the door. CLINTON: Not bad, but nothing to write home about! Wipe your chin! You look like a dirty slut! Out! Out! He kicks the lonely soccer mom out onto the shoulder and knocks on the car's back window. CLINTON: Get in here Al! Al nervously climbs out of the flatbed and climbs into the passenger seat. GORE: Risky scheme... riding in back is a risky scheme... risky scheme.... Clinton slams the gas pedal to the floor, rocketing the El Camino back on to the highway and slamming Al's door for him. The spinning tires kick a cloud of gravel and dirt into the soccer mom's face. She coughs, wipes the dirt from her eyes, tries to pull her ripped blouse back on, and watches the car disappear. FIRST SOCCER MOM: He's dreamy! |
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INT. EL CAMINO - DAY CLINTON: You're a real piece of work Al! Can't you keep your head focused for a just a few moments! GORE: Geraldo's on in fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes to Geraldo.... CLINTON: Shut up about Geraldo! I gotta get you to New York. Dick'll help us out.
GORE: Toe-sucking weirdo... sucks toes.... pays money to suck toes... weirdo... CLINTON: Oh, you remember Dick, huh... we'll our toe-sucking weirdo friend is gonna help you win this campaign. The guy's a genius. A sick twisted genius. Perfect for this Mission Impossible... GORE: This tape will self-destruct in ten minutes... ten minutes to Geraldo.... ten minutes... |
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INT. DICK MORRIS' OFFICE - NYC - NIGHT Dick Morris and Bill Clinton are enjoying some scotch and Cuban cigars, looking out at the Manhattan skyline. Al Gore sits quietly on the floor in the corner, playing with a string of saliva that hangs from his lower lip. CLINTON: This one's dead in the water, isn't it Dick? Maybe it's a good time for a visit to Fort Marcy, or a stormy flight to Croatia... MORRIS: Oh I don't know Bill, we might have something to work with there.. We've just got to get him to sprinkle his mindless blather with multiple "for the children" and "the American people" type phrases. That goes a long way. We'll drill those phrases into his head. He's pretty good at repeating... right Albert? GORE: Good at repeating... excellent repeater... no controlling legal authority... no controlling legal authority... repeat phrase... CLINTON: Let's ask him some questions. Morris and Clinton walk over and stand over Albert. MORRIS: Albert. I'm going to ask you a number of questions, OK? GORE: Risky scheme... risky scheme... CLINTON: Don't worry Albert, there's no press here. It's just us. MORRIS: Albert, do you remember that war in Kosovo? GORE: Boom... blow up Sadam... Sadam's no good... evil Sadam CLINTON: We're doomed. What the hell is wrong with him? MORRIS: Well have you ever heard the term "idiot savant"? CLINTON: Yeah. Idiot savants are really stupid people who, for some reason have startling abilities in math, music, or some other highly specialized area. MORRIS: Exactly. Lacking that "startling ability" you mentioned, Albert is what we like to call an "idiot idiot." Still, he does repeat things well. Let's start filling that head of his... CLINTON: William Jefferson Clinton is one of America's greatest presidents. GORE: One of America's greatest presidents... Bill Clinton... great president... we'll dump the body in the park... wrap it up in the bloody rug... dump the body... MORRIS: We'll work on making him forget some things he's heard too. CLINTON: Obviously. |
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INT. A GRAND BALLROOM - NIGHT Bill Clinton is busily brushing Al Gore's hair, as Dick Morris straightens his tie. They are backstage at a Friends of the Earth convention. As they prepare Gore for his speech, we hear the emcee introduce Albert to the group of radical environmentalists. EMCEE: ...his tireless work, exposing the horrors that humans bring forth on earth, is unparalled in the history of the vice-presidency. There are mosquitos, leeches, worms, and roaches that are alive today because of Albert Gore! I urge you to give him a warm, loving, embrace of a welcome! A great big, applause-bearhug for our dear friend, Albert Gore! The crowd rises in enthusiastic applause. CLINTON: Get out there Al! And please remember, stick to the script!! Gore begins walking aimlessly away, but Morris spins him around and pushes him out towards the podium. Gore stumbles onto stage, shielding his eyes from the bright stage lights and shuffling towards the podium. He stands for a moment then leans forward and speaks into the microphone. GORE: Republicans... killing the environment... poisoning the water... Republicans... kill fishes and baby bears... dead baby bears... and fishes... Republicans... The crowd stands in rapt silence, absorbing the harrowing facts. GORE: Destroying the rain forest... fifty square miles per second... Republicans destroy fifty square miles per second... twenty-four hours a day...fifty square miles... GIRL IN AUDIENCE: Oh, my god! I hate the Republicans! GORE: Fifty square miles per second... Republicans... fifty square miles.... MAN IN AUDIENCE: How can anybody vote for the evil rainforest killers? GORE: Fifty square miles... fifty square miles... fifty square miles... CLINTON: That's incredible! How does he do it? Oh... he's stuck repeating again... Hey Al! Tell the dingbats about those stupid animals that are dying! GORE: One billion species... one billion become extinct... one billion species extinct... everyday... negative human influence... one billion species... everyday.... become extinct... one billion... Many in the crowd are now crying over the new and staggering numbers regarding our planet's loss of biological diversification. Clinton is in awe. GORE: Become extinct... one billion species. CLINTON: No matter how impossible his statistics are, they believe him. GORE: Become extinct... one billion species... MORRIS: The more horrific the environmental claim, the more they cherish it! CLINTON: Preaching to the choir! MORRIS: And, for the demographic we're trying to reach, his insanely slow, monotonous delivery is perfect! If he spoke any faster, he would risk heightening their tremulous sense of impending doom too much. We need them scared, but not too afraid to go out and vote. GORE: Seas will boil... fifty years... seas will boil... without electric cars... fifty years... seas will boil... The chant builds slowly, gradually drowning out Gore's droning repetition. CROWD: Albert! Albert! Albert! Albert! MORRIS: On to the debates!!! Clinton and Morris high five each other and join in the chant. |
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EXT. - THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL RESIDENCE - DAY Tipper Gore is lying back in a lounge chair, under a great elm tree. Though she is wearing sunglasses, we can see that her eyes are closed. She is bopping softly to the music blaring from an unseen stereo. Vernon Jordan is speaking on a cellphone, seated in a chair next to her. JORDAN: A Friends of the Earth convention?! How did he do? (pause) Really?! Wow. Who arranged it? (pause) Morris, huh... that toe sucking weirdo's got a knack. No word on their current whereabouts? (pause) OK. I'll tell Mrs. Gore. Keep me informed if you hear anything. He presses a button on the phone, then addresses Tipper Gore, who nods as she listens. JORDAN: Mrs. Gore. We haven't found Albert and the president yet, but we are getting closer. Albert apparently gave a speech at a Friends of the Earth convention in Maine. Did very well, we hear. TIPPER: (holding up her hand to silence Jordan, she pauses, then speaks) Right here... wait for it... here! (singing loudly) "Getting your kicks as you are shooting the line! Sending the shivers up and down your spine!" Hetfield really nails that vocal! These gold remastered Metallica CDs kick ass! Listen to Burton's bass line! I can feel it in my sinuses! ""You only live once so take hold of the chance! Don't end up like others the same song and dance!!" (she leans over and pounds on the cocktail table in front of her until, in a frenzy, she kicks the table across the lawn) Can't beat Metallica's old stuff with a stick, Vernon! Before they went freakin' orchestral on me! They're a buncha girls these days... JORDAN: Are you following the doctor's schedule on your medicine, Mrs. Gore? TIPPER: (mocking, deep-voiced, impersonation) "Are you following the doctor's schedule on your medicine, Mrs. Gore?" Yeah, mom, sure friggin' thing! Hows about you quit stomping my buzz, Vernon! Did you find Albert, yet? JORDAN: No, but he's debating Bush next week. We're trying to determine the location, but it's apparently a big secret. TIPPER: Why? Fear of terrorists? JORDAN: No, Buchanan. TIPPER: (singing again) "Motorbreath! It's how I live my life!" Get me another Cutty and water, will ya Vern? INT. - PACKED AUDITORIUM - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT Dick Morris and Bill Clinton are nervously clutching each other with their fingers crossed. Like proud parents at their child's first violin recital, they are watching their protege debate George W. Bush. CLINTON: He's not making much sense, but most people don't seem to care. MORRIS: Now that we've got him focused on the environmental issues, he seems to hold it together pretty well. This environmental strategy just may put him in the White House yet. CLINTON: I'm keeping a bedroom if I get him in there! And first dibs on the new interns! Listen, they're talking about Al's cabinet selections! |
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INT. - PACKED AUDITORIUM - ON STAGE - NIGHT BUSH: Well Al, I've heard that you intend to place a good number of radical environmentalists in your cabinet. Why don't you tell us the names of some of the people you are considering? GORE: OK... tell you their names... but, as you know... many of today's environmentalists legally change their names... change their names to reflect their passion... passion over environmental issues... environmental issues... like Julia "Butterfly" Hill, for example... change their names... BUSH: That's fine Al, but why don't you tell me who you are considering for your cabinet. GORE: Secretary of the Interior... "Who Will Speak For The Trees" as Secretary of the Interior... BUSH: That's what I want to find out, who will be Secretary of the Interior? GORE: "Who Will Speak For The Trees." BUSH: Are you running for president, Albert? GORE: Yes. BUSH: And as President, you're going to appoint a cabinet...? GORE: Yes. BUSH: Well then, you should know the name of the person you are going to nominate for Secretary of the Interior? GORE: Yes. BUSH: Well, what's the fella's name? GORE: "Who Will Speak For The Trees." BUSH: The Secretary of the Interior, I guess. GORE: Exactly. BUSH: And his name is... GORE: "Who Will Speak For The Trees" BUSH: It's very difficult getting a straight answer out of you Mr. Vice-President! How about your Secretary of Energy? Do you have someone in mind to be Energy Secretary? GORE: "Solar Heats Best." BUSH: Solar power may very well be a viable alternate source of power, but do you have anyone in mind to be your Energy Secretary. GORE: That's the man's name. BUSH: That's who's name? GORE: "Solar Heats Best." BUSH: Will your Energy Secretary have a name, Al? GORE: That's it. BUSH: "Solar Heats Best?" GORE: Yes... "Solar Heats Best"...
BUSH: Listen, are you gonna have a Defense Secretary? GORE: Certainly... BUSH: And he will be... GORE: "Nukes Kill." BUSH: Well, they are designed to, but nuclear weapons are also used to keep the peace. Why don't you tell us who you will nominate to be your Defense Secretary? GORE: "Nukes Kill." BUSH: When you meet with your Defense Secretary, who will you be meeting with? GORE: "Nukes Kill." BUSH: All I'm trying to find out is the fella's name who's going to be your Defense Secretary! GORE: "Nukes Kill." BUSH: "Nukes Kill?" I ask you the name of the guy who going to be your Defense Secretary and you answer "Nukes Kill." GORE: That's it. BUSH: "Nukes Kill?" GORE: A great guy... excellent Defense Secretary... very knowledgable... BUSH: The Secretary of Defense often has to sign important agreements and treaties. Your Defense Secretary is going to sign...? GORE: "Nukes Kill." BUSH: I give up. How about your Attorney General, Al? Is your Attorney General going to have a name? GORE: "Have To Take A Leak." BUSH: Your Attorney General... the top law enforcement official in the land... will he have a name? GORE: "Have To Take A Leak." BUSH: Are you telling me that you are going to have an Attorney General who's name is "Have To Take A Leak"? GORE: No, I'm telling you I have to take a leak!... drank alot of iced tea... need to go to the little boy's ro... uh-oh, too late... have to go to K-Mart... get new briefs... new briefs from K-Mart... K-Mart has dry briefs... |
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INT. - PACKED AUDITORIUM - BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Clinton and Morris are staring in horror at the disasterous turn of events. In the background, we can see Gore moving from behind his podium and pointing at the growing wet stain in the front of his pants. We can hear the far away sound of his voice. GORE: too much iced tea... need new briefs from K-Mart... uh-oh!... bad Albert, bad! too much iced tea... Clinton frantically reaches behind Morris and yanks a large wooden dowel from the wall, detaching the sand bag that counterbalances the large stage curtain. Unbeknownst to Morris, the curtain rope is looped around his leg. As the heavy stage curtain falls between Albert and the hysterically laughing audience, Dick Morris rockets upside-down into the air. GORE: (turning to Clinton and pointing at his wet pants) too much iced tea... too much... bad Albert... need new briefs... MORRIS: (unseen) Help!! Somebody get me down from here!! GORE: Ooops! Dick stuck... (reaching for a different wooden dowel in the wall) MORRIS: Don't pull that! Albert NO!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! After a long screaming drop, Morris crashes like a sack of potatoes onto the stage. Clinton buries his face in his hands. GORE: Dick's down... dick's down... (points to his wet groin)... bad Albert... too much iced tea... need new briefs... new briefs from K-Mart... The shot of Gore pointing to his wet groin freezes with a photographer's flash, then slowly morphs into an advertisement on a television screen. The announcer speaks softly, as part of the Republican campaign ad. ANNOUNCER: Al Gore lets a girl dress him... and he still wets his pants. Haven't you seen enough? George Bush hasn't wet his pants in at least 30 years. Probably much, much longer. (woman's voice speaking softly and quickly) Paid for by "The Current, Respectable Friends of George W. Bush." |
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INT. - GORE CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS - ELECTION NIGHT Bill Clinton and Dick Morris (wearing a neck brace) are slumped over in their chairs, reluctantly accepting a brow beating from Vernon Jordan. In the background, Albert is trying to coax any of the departing campaign volunteers into giving him a high-five. None of the disheartened faithful are interested. GORE: (in the distance) High five... what's the matter... next stop - the White Home!... c'mon high five... high five?... you?... you? (finally, he raises his hands in the air and slaps them against each other) yeah! high five!... way to go, Albert!... high five!... Albert rocks... high five for Albert! JORDAN: We destroyed as much of the incriminating evidence as we could, and there'll be a devastaing fire later tonight in the executive office area that should take care of anything we missed. But if anything still gets out, who can we blame but you two? I've never seen such irresponsible behavior from grown politicians in my life! CLINTON: Oh get off it, Vern! What was your plan? Focus groups? Voter fraud? JORDAN: Yes! As a matter of fact, those things were a part of the plan! But unlike you two hotshots, we had a back-up plan. We had a September plane crash planned for Albert! No muss - no fuss, a simple accidental plane crash. MORRIS: You're right, Vernon. We behaved like a couple of childish third-party knuckleheads. We should have had an extermination plan in place... like professionals... CLINTON: No Dick! No, we shouldn't have! How can you say that?! MORRIS: Well an "accidental" death for Albert would have given us so many more options... and what a sympathy swing! CLINTON: How did I ever get mixed up with you people? Just because Albert couldn't carry an election, you guys think we should have killed him! You cold bastards! Look at him! Just look! Albert is lying on his stomach, on the almost deserted floor of the campaign headquarters. A few balloons have fallen, from the hundreds still suspended from the ceiling for the celebration that never was. Albert is pushing one of the stray balloons along the floor with his nose. GORE: Red balloon... red balloon... be my friend... red balloon... friends till the end... red balloon... CLINTON: He's adorable! Such a little trooper! GORE: (looking back at Clinton) Look Bob, no hands! No hands... CLINTON: It's "Bill" little buddy! (beaming with pride, he turns to Jordan) No hands! Did ya see? No hands! He's such a good kid... good as gold... JORDAN: You are an idiot. Suddenly, after eight years of utterly ruthless depravity, you're Mister Friggin' Rogers! Get a grip Bill, Albert's going back to his wife, and you're getting the hell out of this country until we can figure out what Attorney General Guiliani's next move is gonna be. CLINTON: Albert's staying with me, Vernon. JORDAN: What are you talking about? You have no right to assume custody of Albert. He has a wife, and she wants him back. CLINTON: His wife is an emotional basketcase, and you know it. Albert needs somebody who can look out for his needs. Tipper can't tie her own shoe without a breakdown. Hell, we've bonded Vernon... Albert and me. I know that sounds hokey and dumb... but I've really grown close to the guy over these last few months of campaigning. He's the little friend I've always wanted. JORDAN: You're a homo dork. CLINTON: Insult me all you want, Vernon, but I've been alone all my life.. I had no father... I had an alcoholic mother... a lesbian wife! Nobody cared! All those countless sex acts I engaged in, even the consensual ones, couldn't compare to the emotional bond that truly caring about somebody provides... I'm finally at peace Vernon.. And I will not let somebody just rip Albert away from me now. We need each other. Albert is staying with me! |
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INT. FEDERAL COURT HOUSE - DAY Alan Dershowitz, acting as Tipper Gore's lawyer, makes a final appeal to the judge. DERSHOWITZ: In summation, you're honor, let me outline our case. Albert, loving husband and father for decades, belongs with his family. The president is looking at Albert as an amusing plaything, like he's merely a plant that talks. He says that Albert makes him feel "whole"! That is not Albert's duty. The president has no legal, moral, or ethical right to tear Albert away from those that love him. Tipper, here.... He points to Tipper Gore, who is seated at a large table, in the front row of the court room. Tipper, wearing headphones, is bopping up and down and quietly drumming along with the music that only she can hear. Noticing that everyone is looking at her, she pulls her headphones off. TIPPER: What? DERSHOWITZ: If this court moves to remove Albert from the custody of his wife of thirty years, it will be the most disgraceful miscarriage of justice, not involving a Kennedy, that this nation has ever seen! CLINTON: Your honor, if I may speak... I can only express my sincerest hope that you will see fit to grant me custody of Albert. He's a great kid. Plus, I think my having custody of Albert will help me convince gullible college girls that I'm a caring, honest sensitive sort of guy. I'd like to try it out, at least. DERSHOWITZ: You see, your honor?! He's not interested in Albert's well being! CLINTON: In addition, your honor, if you grant me custody of Albert, the massive file I have accumulated of you in drunken, lesbian orgies with underage hookers will remain private, as it has for the last seven years. JANET RENO: As presiding judge of these proceedings, I am unable to see anything wrong with granting the president full custody of Albert Arnold Gore. In addition, I forbid any contact between Albert and his former family. This court is adjourned. DERSHOWITZ: (reaching out to Clinton) President Clinton, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to have lost this case. Congratulations! Congratulations! You're the best!! CLINTON: Shut up you worm. Let's go Albert. DERSHOWITZ: I deserved that... I definitely deserved that. You are the greatest, if I may be allowed to say so. You are the best... sincerely! Ignoring Dershowitz, Clinton takes Albert by the hand and walks towards the courthouse door. DERSHOWITZ: (turning to Tipper) I did my best, Mrs. Gore. TIPPER: (removing her headphones) Hey Dersh, is my date here yet? We're supposed to be leaving for Woodstock '01. I don't want to get there late and miss Creed.. Suddenly, Dee Snider from Twisted Sister bursts into the courtroom. He is wearing purple spandex pants, tons of makeup, platform shoes, and no shirt. SNIDER: Tipper, let's boogie! Whooooaaaa!!!! Hot stuff! Nobody rocks a pantsuit like you rock a pantsuit! I'm glad I brought us a pup tent! I'm laying pipe tonight, sweet cheeks! TIPPER: Oh, Dee!! You make me feel like a schoolgirl again! Snider lifts the giddy Tipper out of her seat and storms out the courtroom door. |
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EXT. FEDERAL COURTHOUSE BUILDING - DAY Clinton and Gore are walking down the steps triumphantly, proceeded by dozen of photographers and television cameras. CLINTON: Albert and I are retired from politics! We are going to settle down in a quiet place and really start enjoying life. I am so sick of pandering and lying to advance my political career. I'm sick of being a phoney who will say anything to get elected. I'm sick of ordering the deaths of my political enemies!... Oh, that last statement was off the record! FIRST REPORTER: Already stricken, sir, like you never even said it! SECOND REPORTER: Mr. President! Will America ever see another president as great as you, sir? CLINTON: For the children, I hope so... I sincerely hope so, son. THIRD REPORTER: I have a question for Mr. Gore - Mr. Gore, do you believe, as we at the New York Times do, that your loss to Governor Bush was due to the fact that the American people had difficulty relating to your overwhelming intellect? GORE: Look a birdy!... (pointing to a squirrel)... hello, Mister Birdy.... birdy, birdy... CLINTON: I know you guys have a job to do, and this is a really huge story, but I'm uncomfortable talking to you right now. Would you guys please leave us alone? As fast as their little legs can run, the media scatter and cease annoying the president. Alone on the steps now, Clinton pushes gently on Albert's shoulders, coaxing him to sit. CLINTON: Sit here for a few moments Albert. I'm going to run back into the courthouse. They had a little smokeshop in there, and I'm going to run up and grab a couple of Cohibas. (turns and starts up the steps) Don't move, little buddy! I'll be back in minute! Clinton bounds up the steps, two at a time, and disappears into the courthouse. Albert stares off into space and gently rocks back and forth. After a few moments, Dee Snider jogs by, still carrying Tipper in his arms. TIPPER: Rock on, Albert!! Good luck with everything! SNIDER: Dude. GORE: Ten minutes till Geraldo... ten minutes... Gore resumes his rocking and humming. A few more moments pass, until Clinton returns with a couple of cigars, and a very young, chubby girl in a waitress outfit. CLINTON: Hey Albert... listen... you're good on your own right?... I mean, you can take care of yourself, can't you? GORE: Nine minutes till Geraldo... Geraldo's on in nine minutes... CLINTON: Right, nine minutes to Geraldo... you know, there's a TV up in the court house... you see Albert, I gotta run... what happened is... I just met Ramona here in the coffee shop up there and... YOUNG GIRL: Louise. CLINTON: Right, Louise... whatever... anyway, Lois and I have really bonded in the short time we known each other. She makes me forget my difficult childhood and.... uhhhhh... she makes me feel like a real person. But the problem is, I only have two seats in the El Camino... and I know how you hated riding in the back and... anyway, I gotta go! Clinton gives a sort of guilty shrug, grabs Louise's hand, and runs down the steps. Albert watches them run off together, then reaches into his pocket. He pulls out his paperclips and begins counting them. A little girl, about six years old, walks towards him to see what he's counting. Albert spots her, and filled with excitement, he holds out the paperclips. GORE: Look! Look! Two hundred and forty six paperclips... two hundred and forty six... LITTLE GIRL: There's only five. GORE: Yup! Two hundred and forty six! Two hundred and forty six paperclips...
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