My Political Awakening At The Baldwin Fundraiser

a preview of
My Political Awakening At The Baldwin Fundraiser
by Steve Gallagher (dagalagas@yahoo.com)

Once everyone was enjoying cocktails, Kim (I call her Kim, now) gave a brief overview of the menu. I was already enjoying the fo-grass, so imagine my surprise when I found out it was vegetarian fo-grass. She went on to describe how they make real fo-grass. If I recall correctly, she said it was made out of cow brains. They make the cows live in a little box and force feed them to make their brains bigger. Now, I know eating steaks and bacon isn't really nice to cows, but hey, we can't all be Sister Teresa. Eating their brains, however, is really cruel. I don't know how anyone could do that!

I didn't really hear much of the rest of what Kim said, because by that time, I was standing next to a vision of loveliness. "How do you like the fo-grass?" she drawled in a somewhat realistic southern accent. I thought, "Think of something clever, Andre. Reel this bird in!" But all I could say was, "Good."

She ignored my initial shyness, and continued, "I'm Tiffany. Are you into politics?"

I was determined to keep her interest - so I lied, "Yes, in fact, I used to work for a senator."

"Oh," she seemed impressed, "Which one?"

How could I not have seen that question coming? "Think," I thought, "Think politics. You must know one senator." Finally I came up with a name - "Senator Washington." At first, I wasn't even sure if there really was a Senator Washington (I told you, I don't follow politics).

Of course, she had heard of him. She was really informed. "I really admire the work he does for children and animals. What state is he from again?"

"Washington," I guessed. I must have a psychic streak. I was right again!

"It's so nice to meet people who try to improve the world. My fiancee once told me, 'We can all try to improve the world'. I'll never forget that. It's so true."

Her fiancee! Shot down, I muttered, "Your fiancee must be very special."

"He was," she fought back a tear, "He's dead now."

Back in action, I consoled, "Oh, I am so sorry. How did it happen?"

"He died a hero. He was an animal liberationist. One Saturday night, he broke into a Military Research facility. He climbed onto the roof and jumped down fifteen feet into their lab. He released twenty-five monkeys from their cages. Unfortunately, he couldn't climb back out the window. On Monday morning, they found his bloody sneakers on the floor, and one of the monkeys was wearing his scalp. That was all that was left."

"Wow. How noble."

Our conversation was interrupted when the amazing Alec Baldwin took the stage. This man is an intellectual giant. From the moment he opened his mouth, I knew I had a lot to learn.

"Good evening, all you half-assed jerks. Do you think it's enough that you show up at a fundraiser and throw a little money at our problems? Republicans still hold many offices in this nation, and you jackasses go about your business like nothing's wrong. When will you learn? These people are evil. You'll all act surprised when they throw your stupid grandmother on the street. They have no compassion for the elderly. Don't you know they want to kill old people!?"...