a preview of
The Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World of Politics
by Steve Gallagher (dagalagas@yahoo.com)

The movie opens with a high aerial shot, looking down on a winding, West Virginia mountain road. As the shot tightens, we see a vintage El Camino rounding a dangerous curve at an exceptionally high speed. As it comes around the perilous bend, it narrowly avoids a big moving van, swings around it and picks up even more speed. It passes an old Volkswagen Bug on the straight-away, and accelerates around a boxy, slow sedan.

As the shot switches, we see the back of a white-haired man's head. He takes a long swig from a tequila bottle and turns around to yell at the driver of the sedan he's just passed.

CLINTON: Get that electric piece of shit off the road, ya freakin' tree-hugger!!

He turns his head back around, leans forward and grabs a lit joint from the ashtray, as a previously unseen head rises from his lap.

MONICA: Don't you think you're going a little fast, handsome?

CLINTON: That mouth wasn't built for nagging, Monica!

He pushes her head back down, and begins turning the wheel to the right, taking the next curve much faster than he should. He sucks on the joint and stifles a small cough. Suddenly, a convertible red Lincoln appears through the windshield, moving slowly. Clinton drops the joint, slams on the brakes, and turns the wheel to the left - but he's lost control! The car smashes through the guardrail and the screeching tires go suddenly silent, as the El Camino takes flight. As the nose falls forward, we see the driver's perspective of the horrifying plunge the car is about to undertake.

CLINTON: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

The camera is far below, at the bottom of the ravine, where it captures the El Camino hanging, momentarily motionless in the air. Then the moment passes, and the car grows larger and larger in the shot, until it crashes nose-first in a sickening crunch. The ensuing dust cloud fills the screen, as the world goes eerily silent.

A big, wide-angled view of the roadway. The red Lincoln screeches to a halt, with the electric sedan right behind it. The VW bug pulls behind them, followed by the bulky moving van. The men in all four vehicles jump out to survey the horrendous scene below.

George Stephanopoulis emerges from the red Lincoln, runs to the smashed railing and looks down in horror. He is shaking nervously. In the background, we can see two women remaining in his car. Al Gore leaves Tipper in their electric sedan and runs by Stephanopoulis' side.

STEPHANOPOULIS: Did you see the way that car went sailing out there?! The terrible way it just went sailing out there? That's a nice sedan you've got there, Al... electric huh? (stifling giggles)... it just sailed right out there!

GORE: That was a terrible thing. George. That was a terrible thing to witness.

Mike Dukakis and Walter Mondale run up to join the first two. They are traveling together in the VW Bug. Behind them, Pat Buchanan lumbers out of the moving van and peers into the ravine in astonishment.

BUCHANAN: Wow! Did you see how fast that car was going? Don't see any of them Jap cars accelerate like that baby!

DUKAKIS: We should get an ambulance!

BUCHANAN: Let's get down there!

Buchanan takes a few steps and starts scrambling down the side of the ravine. Mondale and Dukakis follow right behind him.

GORE: Does anybody have a first aid kit? A first aid kit is a prudent thing to have.

Stephanopoulis turns and yells back at the women in his car.

STEPHANOPOULIS: We're going to go down there - you two just stay in the car, OK?

CHELSEA CLINTON: Georgie, be careful! Remember your condition! Don't do anything too stressful!

STEPHANOPOULIS: I'll be fine, sweetie. You two just relax. I'll go see if anyone survived.

HILLARY CLINTON: OH SHUT UP! YOU EFFEMINATE WIMP! Survived! Ha! Get down there with the rest of them! See who was in that car!

Stephanopoulis and Gore follow the other men down the hill. As they arrive at the crash site, we see the wrecked El Camino, smashed nose first into a group of boulders. About ten feet from the wreckage, the camera pans across the driver, lying broken, but peaceful, on his back. He lies on top of a pile of old garbage, obviously dumped here years ago. There are bottles, cans, tires, a refrigerator door, etc. There is also an old dented bucket by his right foot. They all spot the dying man simultaneously and scramble over the rocks towards him.

BUCHANAN: It's Bill Clinton!! And he's alive!!

STEPHANOPOULIS: Oh my! Bill!... and he still looks pretty handsome.

GORE: Bill. Are you all right?

Although near death, Clinton is still well enough to glare at Gore, astonished by his inane question. He turns to Buchanan.

CLINTON: Is he an idiot or what?

BUCHANAN: You won't hear me arguing.

STEPHANOPOULIS: Don't worry Bill. You don't look too bad. We're gonna get you an ambulance! (looking at the others) Can we carry him up the hill?

CLINTON: If you move me, I'll break into a million pieces. Looks like I'm done for. (reflectively now) What a raw deal... all that money! I'll never get to it now...

MONDALE: Just stay still Mr. President. We'll get an ambulance for you.

CLINTON: All that money from the Chinese... the biggest payday in the history of treason! ... and nobody knows where it's buried but me.

DUKAKIS: Save your strength Bill. They'll fix you up! Ex-presidents get an excellent health care package... I ummmm... I checked... you know, back then... (sadly) just in case...

CLINTON: I never told a soul! At least not anyone who's still alive. The Chinese paid BIG for my services... everyone thought I sold the country out for a paltry three million. Do I look like a rube?! Try SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION!! Did ya hear what I said? Seven hundred and fifty million dollars! All for little old Bill... I buried it myself... in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Buried it under a BIG TOP! A big top, I tell ya! In Pigeon Forge, Tennessee... seven hundred and fifty million dollars...

GORE: Relax and lay still Bill.

CLINTON: Ya know... any one of yas could be president with that kind of dough! Any one of yas! Just dig it up from under the big top... the BIG TOP in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. A year or two of relentlessly inflammatory, racially-divisive, class-envy ads and the office is yours. How do you think Ted Turner pulled it off? My God!... with seven hundred and fifty million dollars, you could saturate every market, pander to every conceivable group. Do you understand what I'm saying?! Walter! If they try to bring up the myriad foreign policy disasters of the Carter Administration you could just change the topic to your opponent's virulent racism - real or imagined!

MONDALE: (pretending not to be intrigued by what he is hearing) That's nice, Bill. Just lay still.

CLINTON: Under the big top! That's where it's buried! Pat! Let 'em try to bring up the surreptitiously socialist nature of protectionism! BOOOOORING! You could counter by running thousands of ads claiming that your opponent absolutely LOVES illegal immigration! "Americans losing jobs by the millions! Foreigners everywhere!" With enough money... say... SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION DOLLARS!... who's gonna stop you? President Buchanan - how's that sound?!

BUCHANAN: (unsuccessfully acting uninterested) We need to get you to a hospital right now, that's what's important.

CLINTON: Are yas listening? It's enough money for any one of yas to become President. If any one of yas are interested... (coughing) I'm telling ya...

His coughing grows louder and consumes his whole body, then he suddenly goes still. Bill Clinton, it appears, is gone forever. They all bow their heads in silence. Then all five jump as Clinton's eyes pop wide open! He yells at Dukakis.

CLINTON: Grandma! Grandma! Ma brought home a bartender last night! He spent the night! Ain't she a slut Grandma? Ain't she? Ain't she?

MONDALE: Holy cow! He's reliving his childhood, Mike! He thinks you're his grandmother! Answer him!

DUKAKIS: But I don't wanna...

Clinton appears awake, but his mind is completely gone. He stares at Dukakis insanely and awaits his answer.

CLINTON: Ain't she a slut Grandma? Ain't she!

DUKAKIS: Um... yes Billy... ummm... your mother is quite promiscuous...

CLINTON: A SLUT?!?!

DUKAKIS: Why yes, Billy... a ummm... slut...

Clinton smiles gently, then turns and grabs Buchanan's arm, pulling him in.

CLINTON: Ma! Did you hear that! Grandma says you're a slut! You're not gonna take that, are you?! Are you?!

Buchanan looks at the others, unsure of what to say. They all just shrug. Buchanan looks back at Clinton, who beseeches a response with his eyes.

CLINTON: I can't believe you're gonna take that, Ma! Grandma says you're a slut! I heard her Mamma... she called ya a slut, she did! I can't believe Grandma said that... A slut?! (bites his lip and implores a response with his eyes)... that's really uncalled for, Ma...

BUCHANAN: Well... ya know... uhhhh... we all have our differences... but... a slut, huh?...a SLUT!?... WELL... that old BITCH better shut her big FAT TRAP, Billy!!! If she knows what's good fer her, THAT BITCH'LL SHUT HER BIG FAT MOUTH, 'FORE I SHUT IT FOR HER!! I SWEAR BILLY, I'LL TEAR HER GODDAMNED FACE OFF!!!!

CLINTON: YES!!! Tell her Mamma!! Oooooh...that makes me so freakin' horny! I just GOTTA get me a young honey... say it again, Mamma... (fading) say... it... again...

Clinton's head falls back, then his body goes through one final violent convulsion and he falls back dead. As he does, he boots the old dented bucket that lies by his feet. The other five men watch in silence as the bucket bounces down further into the ravine. It finally stops at the feet of Monica Lewinsky, who is standing there in a tattered dress.

STEPHANOPOULIS: Monica!! Were you in that car?! Oh my God!! What happened to you?

MONICA: I got thrown from the car when we hit. I must have bounced twenty times, but I don't think I broke anything... I need a little help getting up this hill, though...

Suddenly, with a small yelp, Buchanan pulls his arm back from the still clinging corpse of Bill Clinton. All the men look down at the deceased former president, shaken and stunned by the turn of events. Though they all maintain a heavyhearted facade, they are all quietly mulling over what they've just heard. A wailing bagpipe rises mournfully on the soundtrack, but as the camera pans across their contemplative faces, the dirge slowly mutates into the familiar strands of "Hail to the Chief".

STEPHANOPOULIS: Shouldn't we cover him up?

DUKAKIS: Do you think there was anything to what he was saying? Do you think he was telling the truth?

GORE: Of course not! (pointing) He's nobody's mamma! He's Pat Buchanan!

MONDALE: Not that part, you idiot! The part about the money! (turning to the others) Well? Was there any truth to it?!

BUCHANAN: Nah... he never told the truth about nuthin'. No reason to believe him now.

From high on the road above them, we hear the wail of an approaching siren. A large black van screeches to a stop next to their cars. Two men jump out, wearing jackets with "ATF" written in large white letters on the back. As the five men below continue talking, the men above begin setting up a large tripod.

STEPHANOPOULIS: Listen... that's the feds. I don't wanna get stuck here all day answering questions. It's bad enough that I got to explain to my wife that her father was killed... and just wait till my mother-in-law hears that the alimony's history!

BUCHANAN: I got a moving van full of stuff that I gotta get to Richmond. I don't have time to answer a bunch of questions...

MONDALE: Yeah, me and Mike can't get stuck here all day either. We're on our way to -

Suddenly, bullets start ringing off the rocks all around them as they scramble for cover behind boulders. The shot switches to the top of the hill, behind the machine gun tripod the ATF agents have set up. The machine gunner sweeps the weapon back and forth, spraying bullets into all corners of the ravine. As the agent pauses, we hear Stephanopoulis screaming.

STEPHANOPOULIS: HEY! HEY! CUT IT OUT!! WE'VE GOT POLITICIANS DOWN HERE!!

AGT. ABBELLO: (Smacking the agent manning the machine gun) Cease fire! Cease fire, cowboy! (yelling) You say you guys are politicians?

MONDALE: Yes! I'm a former Vice-President goddammit!!

GORE: I am one also.

ABBELLO: Oh! Sorry. We thought you were regular civilians. You know... onlookers or something.

DUKAKIS: Well be more careful next time! You coulda killed one of us!

COOPER: Sorry!

As the men watch, Agent Cooper scrambles down into the ravine to inspect the situation. He runs over to the body of Bill Clinton, grabs his wrist, then lets the dead arm drop in disgust. He looks up and yells to his supervisor.

COOPER: HE'S DONE! (turns to the others) How long ago did this happen?

DUKAKIS: (feverishly nervous) Ten minutes ago... or five... I think it was fifteen minutes ago...

MONICA: (off screen) I can't get up this hill without a little bit of help...

COOPER: Was he already dead when you got down here?

GORE: Yes... practically.

COOPER: (very interested) So he was alive! Did he say anything?

MONDALE: About what?

Agent Cooper slowly draws his pistol, as Agent Abbello arrives at the crash site.

COOPER: (spinning the barrel of his revolver) What did he say?!

DUKAKIS: (spooked) He thought I was his grandmother!

COOPER: What did you say to him?

DUKAKIS: Well, I told him... (pointing at Buchanan) I told him Pat was a slut!

BUCHANAN: You better SHUT YOUR FAT TRAP, DUKAKIS...

ABBELLO: Easy there big fella... Did he say anything about... oh, I don't know... (now, menacingly drawing his gun, too) China, maybe? (waving it towards Dukakis) Or secret hiding places?

BUCHANAN: NO! We're leaving NOW! We only tried to help...

MONICA: Maybe one of you could get a rope or something...

ABBELLO: All right, Mr. Buchanan... take it easy... (pointing his gun at Dukakis) But, you better not be keeping any secrets...

DUKAKIS: AAAAHHHHH!!!!

Buchanan shoots a glare at the ATF officers, and starts to shove Dukakis back up the hill. The others all follow, scurrying up the hill and leaving the two ATF officers alone.

ABBELLO: Oh boy... Reno ain't gonna like this! So... who's gonna be the one to call him?

COOPER: You're in charge! You call him!. He doesn't take bad news well.

MONICA: A little help, please...

ABBELLO: I know, he's a prick. But we didn't do anything wrong! Janet knows Clinton was slicker than a greased pig!

COOPER: Didn't smell much better either. I'll break the news to Reno - boy, he's gonna go ballistic.

The agents turn and start the trek back up the hill. In the background, we see the five men reaching the top and stepping on to the road. The shot switches to the men, just as the last of them steps past the broken guardrail and onto the road. They are all winded, and Stephanopoulis looks like he may faint from the strain. While they catch their breath, each man glances furtively at the others, wondering if they have the same thoughts running through their heads. When any of them catch eyes, they glance down quickly and assume a blandly casual look. Five hopelessly bad poker players, wondering who will show their cards first.

MONDALE: Oh my back! I'm getting too old for this.

STEPHANOPOULIS: You still look young, Walter... I wish there was more we could have done.

BUCHANAN: You can't help but feel sorry for the guy... I mean, even if he was a total scumbag.

An awkward moment passes, then the men nod at each other and start walking towards their individual vehicles. The camera follows Stephanopoulis to his convertible, where Hillary and Chelsea sit waiting.

HILLARY: Well?! What went on down there?!

STEPHANOPOULIS: Ummm... this is a little difficult... I'm afraid...

HILLARY: WOULD YOU QUIT BABBLING AND TELL US WHAT HAPPENED?!

Stephanopoulis walks over and grabs his young wife, Chelsea, by the hand.

STEPHANOPOULIS: Honey... I'm sorry but the guy who died in that wreck was... it was your father.

HILLARY: WEB!!! Oh my God! Poor Webster! I told him not to be so reckless!!

CHELSEA: (wailing) Dad!! Dear God, why Dad?!

STEPHANOPOULIS: What are you two going on about?! It was Clinton! Bill Clinton!

HILLARY: Oh for crissake, you idiot!! You had us so upset. What the hell is the matter with you?!

STEPHANOPOULIS: I thought Chelsea was Bill's daughter.

HILLARY: Oh God no! We hardly ever had sex with each other! Besides, Bill had a bad case of the mumps as a boy - he was as sterile as an operating room - don't you read the internet?

CHELSEA: I thought you knew that Webster Hubbell was my father, honey. Haven't you ever looked at my lips?! Dad helped Mom and Bill out a long time ago. I was sorta conceived as a prop... (turns briefly morose) it took awhile to work that one out in therapy, (forced cheer returns) but I'm OK with it now. Bill's dead? That's a shame - he was kinda nice sometimes. I guess I should have told you about Dad...

Stephanopoulis gets into the car. He looks in the rear view mirror, and sees the other cars starting to pull back onto the roadway. Starting the car quickly, he drops it into gear, and pulls away slowly. All four vehicles start down the road, in the same order they stopped in - the Lincoln, the electric sedan, the VW bug, and the big moving van. They're all going about 20 miles an hour.

HILLARY: So he was alive when you got down there! Did he say anything?

STEPHANOPOULIS: Well... he was a bit delirious... sorta reliving his childhood in his mind...

HILLARY: Did he say anything about money? Chinese money?

STEPHANOPOULIS: (astonished) Why yes! He did!! He did mention Chinese money - said he hid a bunch of it!

HILLARY: I knew it! That bastard! Well spit out the details you little fairy!! What the hell did he say?

TIPPER: Oh Al, do you think he could have been telling the truth?!

GORE: I couldn't tell, Tipper. I never could.

TIPPER: What if he was! You'd get another shot at the big prize, Al! Oh I shouldn't get my hopes up! I can't handle that sort of disappointment again - you know I have the emotional stability of a gambling Chihuahua...

MONDALE: (driving) So if we get the money, I could run for president again, and you could run as my veep.

DUKAKIS: What are you talking about? You've got veep experience... besides you lost because you were the next Jimmy Carter... that hasn't changed.

MONDALE: Me!? The next Jimmy Carter?! You're insane! You - the little-known governor of a dinky little state - grabbing the nomination with your tired whines about the poor, overlooked, downtrodden - you have the nerve to call me the next Jimmy Carter!

DUKAKIS: Yeah, that Iranian hostage thing really made you look like a world leader!... released on Reagan's inauguration day, just to rub your nose in it! You and Jimmy - two of a kind...

MONDALE: You got overthrown by your lieutenant governor, you dweeb! If you think I'm gonna take a back seat...

BUCHANAN: I got my eyes on you all... lousy scheming bunch of socialists... wouldn't trust any of yas as far as I could throw yas... (occasionally glancing down at a map on the seat next to him) 79 South... that'll get me to route 19...

HILLARY: With that kind of money, I'd be a shoe-in! President Rodham! That'd drive the right wing nuts! More nuts, I should say! Plus, I could out-corrupt old Billy. Hah! Eight years in office and all he managed to walk away with was seven hundred and fifty million. Chump change if you let me run the show!

STEPHANOPOULIS: (nervous) Well Hillary... I was planning on using the money for my own election...

HILLARY: What!? You?! You're way too feminine for politics! What are you running for - prom queen?!

CHELSEA: Mother! Georgie is not feminine! He's a little soft-spoken, that's all. Besides... tell her Georgie...

STEPHANOPOULIS: Well, Hillary... I'm looking into a House seat... NY's 5th district. You know - Queens. It's crawling with Greeks... Dick ran a poll for me...

HILLARY: Oh whatever! What's it take to win a House seat?... don't worry, you sissy - I'll throw you a bone.

CHELSEA: See Georgie! You thought she wouldn't be supportive. Mother's gonna see that you get elected!

TIPPER: Look at the b-i-t-c-h up there, Al! Hillary thinks that money's hers! Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, huh?

GORE: Yes. Buried under a big top... a big top... a giant child's toy?...

TIPPER: I've got a map in the glove compartment!

HILLARY: Well, Georgie! Let's see what kind of power this "old lady" car's got. Step on it!

STEPHANOPOULIS: I don't know Hillary... they'll know what we're up to.

HILLARY: Oh they're all thinking the same thing! (turns around) Look! Tipper's already got a map out! Hit the gas, girlie!

CHELSEA: Mother, you know George's condition! He can't take that kind of excitement. He's fragile. And he's not a very good driver.

HILLARY: Don't listen to her Georgie (smacks him hard in the back of his head) Do what I tell you! Step on it.

Stephanopoulis reluctantly begins to speed up. An aerial shot shows a gap growing between the Lincoln and the other three vehicles.

TIPPER: There's she goes Al! I knew it. Floor it, honey!

GORE: I've had it floored since we pulled away from the curb. What this car sacrifices in acceleration is more than made up for by its positive environmental impact.

TIPPER: Oh, you stupid a-s-s! Why did I ever let you buy this piece of s-h-i-t!?

DUKAKIS: There's a little airport right down here (pointing to the map) in Mineral Wells. We gotta get to Old US 21!

MONDALE: Georgie and Hillary are making their move!! What the hell is Gore waiting for?!

DUKAKIS: Go around him, Fritz! Don't let that bitch out of your sight!

MONDALE: I'm right behind her, Duke!

BUCHANAN: Son of a bitch! I knew I couldn't trust them. They're all in cohoots!! Socialists stick together like the goddamned guineas! (he's rocking back and forth, trying to coax a little more speed out of the old weary van) Trying to leave the big boy behind, are ya?! We'll see about that!

The aerial shot shows the moving van passing the Gore's electric sedan. The Gore's car falls out of the shot, as the other three vehicles speed away, tires wailing around the dangerous curves. They are rapidly accelerating - 40- 50 - 60 miles an hour. Dangerously fast for these mountain roads. The VW tries to go around the Lincoln, but it suddenly swerves. The VW brakes hard and is almost rear ended by the moving van.

HILLARY: What the hell are the Gores up to? Slow down fembo! Those two morons are trying to pull a fast one!

CHELSEA: Oh thank God! Georgie, you can't keep driving like this. You know what the doctor said. I don't want you to start shaking again...

The Lincoln comes to a stop, followed by the VW Bug and the moving van. Wordlessly, all the participants step out of their vehicles and stare at the road behind them, waiting for the Gores to appear. After a long pause, the electric sedan creeps around the bend and comes to a stop behind the others. They all move towards the sedan as Al and Tipper step out.

HILLARY: What the hell are you two trying to pull?!

BUCHANAN: Yeah! (then turning towards Hillary) And just where were you speeding off to?!

HILLARY: That's none of your business you dim-witted bore!

BUCHANAN: Listen to me you sloppy sow, I don't need to take any of your BS!

STEPHANOPOULIS: Please! We don't need that sort of vitriol! (to Al) Why were you slowing down?

GORE: Well... the impact of the internal combustion engine is so...

TIPPER: (jumping in) Because this electric bucket of s-h-i-t my husband bought won't go any faster! Why the h-e-doublehockeysticks were you all speeding up?!

STEPHANOPOULIS: Well, I guess we're all thinking the same thing at this point...

HILLARY: Yeah and he was my husband! You can all keep your grubby little hands off the fortune we put together.

DUKAKIS: You have no more right to that buried money than any of us, Hillary.

HILLARY: Open your mouth one more time, you little Greek geek! I'll snap you in two!

MONDALE: Hey! You can't talk to my little buddy like that!

HILLARY: I'll beat you with his bloody corpse, Fritz!!

STEPHANOPOULIS: Let's all try to calm down! I think we can all come to some sort of reasonable agreement to behave civilized, instead of attacking each other and setting off on some insane wild goose chase! We need to maintain a little dignity. If we could all...

BUCHANAN: Maybe we could maintain a little dignity if we shoved a sock in her squawking bullhorn of a mouth!

HILLARY: YOU WHITE TRASH LOSER! Where do you get the nerve to talk to me like that! You are not fit to kiss the ground I walk on!

BUCHANAN: I'll talk to you any way I choose, you bloated windbag!

As the insults fly, the scene switches.

A receptionist is sitting quietly at her desk, as a clerk enters carrying a box of papers.

CLERK: I found all the documents that Congress subpoenaed about the Waco incident.

RECEPTIONIST: Wow! That was quick. The shredder's over there in the corner. (the phone rings, and she picks it up) Justice Department, Reno's office... no, he isn't in yet... he's running a little late.

Suddenly the door swings open with a bang, and Janet Reno enters the room. He looks quite surly this morning.

RENO: So dock my pay, bitch! Who is it?

RECEPTIONIST: It's Special Agent Abbello, sir - calling from West Virginia.

RENO: (excited) Put him through to my office, immediately.

Reno bulls through the office and opens his door. As he enters, he removes his wide-brimmed sunhat.

As he storms into the office, Reno pauses and tosses his hat at the rack in the corner. This appears to be a daily ritual. It sails towards the rack, but at the last minute, it tips sideways and sails out the window.

RENO: Goddammit!!

RECEPTIONIST: (off screen, weary) I'll run down and get it, sir... again.

Reno looks out the window and sees his hat sitting in the middle of the road.

A number of cars swerve across lanes to avoid the hat. Then the scene switches to street level. Three men dressed in black and wearing berets are smoking and drinking coffee in an outdoor cafe. They are looking at the hat in the road, when one of them suddenly recognizes the man in an approaching car.

FIRST FRENCHMAN: Regard! C'est légende de cinéma - Jerry Lewis!

The shot switches to the driver of the approaching car, who is indeed film legend, Jerry Lewis. He waves at the starstruck Frenchmen, and suddenly spots Reno's hat sitting in the other lane. He dons a wacky expression, makes a silly noise, and swerves towards the hat. The shot switches to Reno looking out the window.

RENO: Don't you do it, Lewis! I've read your FBI file! Possession of Percadan without a prescription is a felony!

The shot switches back to street level. The three Frenchman are standing, anxiously sensing the impending comedic brilliance.

SECOND FRENCHMAN: Un génie comique! Amusez-nous!

THIRD FRENCHMAN: Viva la Jerry Lewis!

Unable to resist delighting his fans, Lewis ignores Reno's threat and runs over the hat. The Frenchmen erupt in riotous laughter and cheers, tossing their berets in the air in joyous celebration. Lewis graciously waves, acknowledging the accolades. Suddenly, his car backfires with a crack like a rifle shot. The Frenchman immediately stop laughing and raise their arms rigidly above their heads.

FRENCHMEN: SE RENDRE! SE RENDRE!

Disgusted by the destruction of his hat, Reno slams the window shut and picks up the phone.

RENO: What's up Abbello?

ABBELLO: Bad news chief. Clinton's dead.

RENO: What?! How the hell did it happen?!

ABBELLO: Sailed his car off a cliff, right outside of Twisted Knob.

RENO: What a goddamned kick in the balls! Did you guys see the crash?

ABBELLO: No chief. We got there a few minutes after... he was really flying.

RENO: Any witnesses?

ABBELLO: Yeah, a bunch of politicians ran down to him. He was still alive for a few minutes, they said.

RENO: Did he say anything? Anything about the money?!

ABBELLO: Nah... they said he was delusional... talking about his childhood...

RENO: Listen to me! I'll send out reinforcements... I want those politicians tailed. If he said anything, they'll head straight for the money. Where are you now?

ABBELLO: I'm heading south on route 18, towards... HOLY SHIT! They're all together! The politicians are all standing by the side of the road arguing!

RENO: Don't stop! Listen to me, Abbello! I want you and Cooper to get out of sight! Don't let them know you're following them. I'll send a bunch of agents out there. I don't want them interfered with in any way. They're gonna lead us straight to the dough...

Copyright © 1999, Steve Gallagher (dagalagas@yahoo.com)

May not be reprinted without permission from the author